Her untold story 

Losing a child to miscarriage may be one of the most painful things any woman may suffer. To society, it’s not a true loss because you had never ‘met’ your child or they had not ‘developed enough’. The pain one feels as a coffin is lifted into a hearse, is the very pain experienced. And what’s  worse,is that you cannot talk about it. I mean it is so ‘taboo’ and possibly ‘shameful’ to your family. So you grieve and suffer in silence, whilst people confidently ask ‘so when are you having a baby?’. It is also something we are not educated about. There is something called a missed miscarriage. Your baby passes away but your body doesn’t recognize the death. So you happily continue being ‘pregnant’ until the doctor breaks it to you. You may choose to wait for the baby to pass on its own eventually, or be induced and suffer labor pains only to deliver a lifeless being. The trauma of carrying your lifeless child lingers. Then you must wake up and carry on as usual lest people wonder. Throw away the baby magazines, delete the apps, and break the news to family and friends who really don’t know what to say. Then the choice to get pregnant again comes into play. How do you begin?  Knowing that babies die before you get to hold them, kiss them… How do you process all this in your quiet corner. What do you say to the disappointed faces who’s pockets had begun to shake for your baby’s sake and who’s hearts were just as eager? How do you not think of 10 000 things you must have done wrong, even though science says there is really nothing you could have done. You must then attend baby showers, and babysit, and listen to careless girls toy with the idea of abortion or careless mothers complain about their gift. If only they knew that in a second your life can change. I still pray for every woman who has suffered a loss, early or late pregnancy or even after the child was born. Somebody does understand. Understands that you had named your child and sang to them,and had worked hard to prepare for their arrival. Someone understands the guilt when you consider barren women and others unlucky as this. This may sound petty, but what an enlightenment when the world discovered that Beyonce had had a miscarriage. The most affluent are human too and suffer the sting of death.

No one is seeking pity. Just a release from the solitude. The freedom to celebrate a life that could have been.

The person to tell her story.
Again,be kind to everyone,because you simply cannot know what battles are being fought within.

Acknowledge her strength but love her in her weakness.

Call her mother,she has given life that was cruelly taken away.
Each child is a blessing… A miracle
‘A letter to my unborn child’ she wrote…
Mommy loves you…

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Caked up & Tired 

 
I have better days, but some days almost reduce me to tears with an intense craving for cake. Really good cake. Rich, soft sponge, perfect filling, fattening cake! One morning I told my husband how much I would love cake for breakfast as I had been craving it all week. His response was peculiar. He asked if I was sleeping well. Now what do my sleeping patterns have to do with the price of cake? He continued to explain how the craving of cake is associated with insomnia. 

I had to consult doctor google urgently. And lo and behold. Craving cake, carbs and junk found is one of the major signs of insomnia, poor sleep, anxiety and depression. Speaking to a psychologist I confirmed all this. 

This is when I began to trace back to my ‘weakest moments’. I generally enjoy all things fatty and delicious, but intense craving did come about at my ‘low feeling’ and ‘poor sleep’ episodes. 

My mother has waved her hands in the air and ranted about my father’s poor food choices at random. My mother is a vegetarian and has been for 25 or so years, my father a pescetarian. He does however have the random craving for junk food. Now notice, he is one of the people I know to suffer from insomnia. A very busy man who is constantly ingrosed in various studies I wonder how and when his mind rests. So here mom, the better we sleep the better we eat. 

The body and mind attempt to find a substitute for the things necessary for the body’s function that are found in sleep. Also, the imbalance created by an irregular sleep pattern must somehow be compensated for. Carbohydrates seem to offer such substitutes. You can read more about this study online. 

Personally, I should thank my lucky stars that rapid weight gain is not familiar to me or I would quickly emulate the shape of many birthday cakes. The best way to combat the symptoms is to deal with the cause. 

So here’s to beating insomnia, somehow… 

   
   

Obsessive compulsive Me

There are patterns that exist, that make up my daily life. I do not take myself seriously enough for this to be considered a morbid post. No pity is permitted.

I have multiple anxiety disorders. I have very recently been exposed to truth regarding my previously inexplainable symptoms. OCD is the most obvious (to the observing eye) of these, so let me begin here.

The dictionary describes a disorder as the following; ‘a state of confusion’ ; ‘abnormality’; ‘problem that interupts normal fuction’ etc.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A mental and/or psychological abnormality. 

     OCD is categorized as an anxiety disorder. Anxiety, not being a strain of Influenza, is rarely discussed. This may be why we consider people with OCD “abnormal” instead of shamefully naming the psychological patterns that influence the presence of this disorder. 

I have repeatedly explained that my OCD is ‘slight’, fearing the ridicule that exists despite how far I argue my “normality”. Its hard to explain to a “normal” person how you cannot enjoy a meal on a disorganized table or in a messy area, because it simply makes you uncomfortable. 

Im taunted mostly by those closest to me. I dread to know how those who suffer more severe cases cope with the name calling, rolling of eyes and unnecessary pranks. If I had R50 for each time a friend purposefully disorganized objects around me to trigger a response, I would be writing this from my the sky, in a crystal ladden private jet.

Very few also know what to call their so called ‘over the top’ behavior regarding cleanliness, symmetry, etc. Considering my experience it may be a good thing they do not know after all. 

I am happy with my abnormality. It prompts attention to detail, cleanliness and less unnecessary chats in social messengers ( I text with a set amount of contacts at a time, in even numbers that rarely exceed 10). I plan to research further, in terms of its hereditry effects, so that some day I may teach my children to embrace and live their ‘normal’, what ever it may be.  


Photography 📷 by Aaron & Hur