Thought Box, Uncategorized

UNdo (18.09.2012) 

Five years ago today, at roughly 08:00, I stood waiting outside the magistrate office. I would legally and otherwise bind myself to the picture of forever that I had carefully woven in my heart and mind. Today, I can’t commit to a celebration. So instead I will rabble in reflection below… 

“That only happens in movies” they said. We defied their limited notions with a timeless kiss in the dirty streets of Johannesburg, while clinging to our pockets lest those who picked them, found them. Weeks later a meeting you would have with a familiar stranger would anger me and have me tuck my heart’s keys away lest YOU found them. But your eyes sparkled with ambition and your hands struck me with desire; I loosened my grasp. 

My father said “dare not be unequally yoked, how then would you raise your children?”. He said this deeply simmering with delight at your wish to take my hand and make an honest woman of me. We lay excitedly gazing at the single pearl on my finger, speaking of what WOULD be. Rarely did we speak of what COULD be if we lost the keys we both had been entrusted with.

My diamond ring which pardoned the single pearl, after the familiar stranger made a mockery of it would be tainted still… My old lover would leave this earth. You asked me to mourn, maybe wishing that, that would wash the corners of my soul that you still hadn’t occupied. I could only dream of being called your wife. My tears were aimless. Was I mourning the one who was or what was predestined to be.

Before you watched me walk down the isle, fame, money and adoration found us. No, wait… It found you. I happily walked with you, sapphire and diamonds in hand. I had a piece of paper now that carried all the promises of “for better or worse, till death do us part”. This little piece of paper wrapped the keys inside of it and invited my mind to it’s warm abode. I became delusional. Your eyes never wandered and neither did mine, why worry about those would pry lustfully at my flesh and your status? Our cellphones carried no weight of passcodes. Our home reeked of pleasure and satisfaction. Our eyes glistening with promise. We have found what we were looking for in that timeless kiss on the dirty streets of Johannesburg.

I remember the first time I cussed at you. The first time I threw something at you. I remember how I broke the promise never to slumber in anger. See, we understood that heart’s stop beating in the mornings too. What we didn’t know was that the covenants of lovers had hearts too. 

“In 5 years we will review this contract.” We laughed loudly. 

I laugh now remembering the fourth. The fourth of six. Six years of analysing the colours in your eyes. Six year of birthdays and deaths, of humans and covenants too. I want to forget. The death of the colours in your eyes that painted my heart’s canvas. 

Year seven pending year five, I bought a bucket of paint. Black. I poured it over my soul. It dripped. Down to my feet and left bare the lessons I HAD to learn from YOU, from LIFE, from LOVE, that were specially crafted FOR ME. 

Love with no reservations. Love stupidly. Love completely. Love to death. Love beyond death. Love beyond pain. Love your scars. Love the flowers on the graves of your hand written happily ever afters. Love YOU first, after God. Love the journey. Love him. Love him despite. Love him inspite. Love prayer. Love commitment. Love recreation, rehabilitation, restoration. Love your children. Love their children. Love their joys. Love LOVE.

This piece of paper no longer holds my mind. This was no choice of mine. Life spat in my face often enough and entrenched it’s vile stench in my hands; Each time I dared to wipe my tears I would smell the struggle. The struggle to be who I promised to be while loving you. Loving us. Loving this. So my mind detached in search of cleaner spaces. 

Almost eight and safely at five, I would only changed two things. The deaths of the beings we coloured in hopes of creating masterpieces.

The rest should stay the same. How else would I undo the knots of premature promises I made to you. How else would I learn to celebrate what has become at FIVE.

It was/is NECESSARY 

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Thought Box

“GODritude” (an attitude of gratitude towards God.

God is described in so many different ways by different people. In fact, to some He does not exist. Not the God of christians or that of spiritualists, there simply is none.

Gratitude is relative. It is experienced and expressed in various ways and forms. I for instance have spoken of “love languages” which are sometimes used to express gratitude for the existence of others or their presence in one’s life. Or to share in what one has been blessed with.

So what is “GODritude”? 

The simple answer; A term I coined whilst rolling around on my bed on a Thursday night, while trying to avoid this somber trail that has befallen my timeline. Listen, there was some quarrel about how to form the word, if to use it, how to use it and how it would be received. I honestly wouldn’t want to offend anyone. Thankfully, the meaning I have attached to my newly formed favourite word, allowed for the progress of this piece.

I complain, a lot. Sometimes in the private rooms of my mind, but boy I can go on. I sometimes complain myself into literal depression and lose an entire day sobbing hopelessly in bed (I seem to really like my bed huh?) Anxiety has it’s hand in this but we will revisit that topic another time. 

I also get snippy with God a bit too often of late. I am of the Christian faith, but I have had the privilege of experiencing God as a similar but different (in a good way) entinty to friends of different religions, cultures. I suppose I have had quite a few meaningful conversations with my maker, but more recently, I imagine He has thought of extending his being into a human hand big enough to slap me upside the head and bless me with a godly dose of sense. 

Yes, I wish I could only speak of good things, share good memories, make use of a completely healthy & clean tongue but as life would have it, this is pretty close to impossible. However, isn’t there still so much good surrounding one’s existence? If you have become blinded to your blessings, which happens often to most of us, try this here trick. It’s old, but it works, and we will give it a modern twist.

Thank heavens for social media (See, the gratitude seeping in). Now log on to twitter, scroll past the celebrities, blessees and bloggers and click on the handle of a reputable newspaper outlet. Now read only the titles. As you do, provoke your imagination to place you in some of those situations or events. Your mind may fail in some instances to simulate the very emotions, mental burden, trauma or confusion that would have gushed generously over your being had it been you. Unfathomable.

In my complaint state, my mind has moved from “I wouldn’t cope with this, and it could happen to me” to “God, but why should it happen at all, to anyone?”. And as written in a blog post long before He simply responds “If not you, then who”.

A friend of mine sometime ago insisted that we never fall asleep until we affirm something we are grateful for. This friend would call, listen to your long story about your long and horrible day and still remember to ask, “So what are you grateful for?”. In the same way that we make an adult choice as far as who we wish to be and how we wish to live, one must make a choice about how you perceive your God. I have the option of God the tyrant who is waiting on every false move to whip me in to shape with pain, death or disaster. The other option is God of love, the God who is love who decided to honor me with the task of proving His love, power and greatness by costantly scooping me out of the filth (sometime my very well crafted home made filth) in this already defiled world. 

A heart of gratitude is so much easier to carry. So is the belief in a higher power or higher being. Too much happens in this life for me to walk about not believing that someone is walking me through it. Humans will fail you. Humans will taint your happy. You, in your human state have managed to dismantle structures of living and living well that others have built. So we choose Him. Or Her to some. I am not here to speak you into conversion. I am her to ask you to take a second, stop and say thank you or thank goodness.

Be grateful also in your ability to be. Look at what you have experienced. The moments where your heart was pretty much yelling that it was ready to stop. You lived through it and now you have this long text of mine to get through, haha. The ability to be, the potential to be more, the grace to manipulate your circumstances so that you can be in a space that constantly says no.

Now be. See God, see you, and be. Don’t forget your manners, say Thank You.

“GODritude” 

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Thought Box

Exhale (Poetry)

​I need to exhale. 

The time has seen me turn black and blue from the poison infiltrating my lungs that I refuse to spit out. I can not breathe. 

I am ashamed of failures I did not instigate or carry through. I am a victim who over time has learned to victimise. I now know how to suffocate you.

I am built to withstand the stakes darted at the lungs of my core being, but perhaps my manufacturer forgot the final piece.

I no longer feel but see the air oozing out. Left empty, there is nothing left to pick up the bicycle patch that could extend my survival. 

I have been ridden. A bicycle has seen more care. Like a horse and then like a dog used to fight for small change. I have been tossed aside and flicked out of my own space and reality to gather the pieces of me with the hands that were bitten and chewed by those who said that they love me.

I can’t blame those who take pride in the multiple punctures they have inflicted. Two punctures left a hole big enough for human life to seep through me. I partly blame myself. I saw the sharp edge. I felt it carress me. I remember the first time it grazed me. Of course it would crave depth.

I am not yellow. My color is off putting. So why not deflate what you have come to fear simply at a glance. 

Peirce me.

Poke me.

Plunge into me.
Slit my throat and quicken the torment. Maybe when my blood flows my color will turn to red. Even if it is for but a moment.
I want to breathe. I want to be the time keeper to an open heart that craves only me and not my death. 

I have been holding this evil in… inside my being. 
Where is the pen and paper? Where is bag of change? 
I need to exhale. 

Mathunzi Macdonald 

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Thought Box

A profound and interesting take on relationships by the late Myles Munroe 

A good friend shared the following with me. I think it is something woman should consider and men should reflect on;

*Getting understanding in Marriage!*
Listen to this, often times we misplace our priorities when searching for a partner. I want to open our eyes to something using the Bible. 
When you take a look at the first marriage in history, Gen 2:24… After God made man, he put him in the Garden of Eden, the word “Eden” is an Hebrew word for “where God dwells” so the first thing God gave man was *”His Presence*”. So the first thing a man needs is NOT a woman, it is the presence of God, and a woman should meet him in the presence of God. Eve met Adam in Eden.
Some women amaze me, they leave the presence of God, go outside to find a man and then try to drag him back into the presence of God. 
The next thing God gave man in after putting him in the Garden was *WORK*. (Gen 2:15) God gave man work before woman. That means a man needs a job before he gets a woman. God’s priorities are very clear.
The third thing God told man was *”Cultivate”…… Cultivate here means, bring out the best in everything around you*, to maximize the potentials of everything and everyone around you, To make everything fruithful. He only said that to the male. 
That’s why God will never give a man a finished woman. The male was created by God to create what he wants. The woman you are looking for doesn’t exist, she’s in your head. Your job is to take the raw material you married and cultivate her into the woman in your head. So you have been married for 20yrs and you still don’t like the product you get, that’s your fault. If your wife is putting a little weight and you don’t like that, don’t criticize her, it’s your job to wake her at 6am, ” Hey baby, let’s go jogging”  You don’t like her dress, take her to a boutique and buy her cloths you like. She can’t speak good English? Send her to school and pay her tuition fee. CULTIVATE HER!!!!
The fourth thing God said to man, he said “Guard the Garden”. The man has to be the protector of everything under his care. That’s why God gave you a stronger bone frame. A bigger muscle mass, not to abuse the woman, but to protect the woman.
The last thing God gave man was his Word… God told man not to touch the tree, God never told the woman about the tree, NEVER!!!….. Which means it was the man WHO received the word of God and his job was to teach his wife the word of God. Nothing frustrates a woman like when she asks her man “So what do you think” and the dummy answers “what ever you think is OK”….. Don’t do that bro, don’t do that. She’s looking for knowledge and direction.
That was the last command God gave to man in Vs 17, Now watch this, in vs 18, God said, “It is not good for this man to be alone” now, don’t just read the statement fast, read it again slowly ” it is not good for THIS MAN to be alone” WHAT MAN???

The man who is 

*In His presence*

*Has a job (working)*

*Can Cultivate you*

*Can protect you*

*Can teach you*
So here’s the problem, if you meet a man who doesn’t like His Presence, isn’t working, can’t cultivate you, can’t protect you and can’t teach you then IT IS GOOD FOR THAT MAN TO BE ALONE…
Summary from Late Myles Munroe’s teaching on male and female relationship…

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Uncategorized

But I couldn’t 

If only I could say what I really mean. 

With a passion for writing and a natural ability to engage, you would assume that I would take any opportunity to bare my raw thoughts, but I couldn’t. Not with prying eyes and spectators who are more concerned with the business of others. Not as a practioner in the entertainment industry who’s partner is growing daily in celebrity status. Not as someone who has already suffered front page stage lights and lashings on the Internet. 

I am also a musician. I could have written songs that tell my stories and choreographed dance pieces that paint the picture, but I couldn’t. My eyes would swell up with tears, my chest would grow tight, my hands numb with anxiety, I would simply buckle.

For a while now I have alluded through my blog, social media and other mediums that I am having some difficulty navigating this ‘life thing’. I can now attest to a human flaw in the digital age. We rarely can draw the line between what we share and our personal lives. From rants to encrypted status updates to bible verses, we hold back very little. People close to us however can usually tell. They will send a kind text warning you of the possible repercussions of airing your dirty laundry. But, when you are filled with enough ills you begin to emit the vile toxins, sometimes without intention.

My anxiety disorders are amplified when various stressors present themselves. My disorder also presents itself physically. If you have had to say to me “Mathunzi, you look tired”, this is probably why. In itself, anxiety is something that is very hard to explain. Even those closest to you, who have perhaps observed an intense panic attack, or have read a page with your diagnosis cannot always fully grasp what you are experiencing. I have grown tired of trying to explain it or how recent events make it almost impossible to get through it quickly enough. Everyone has a solution by the way. The most popular is “Pray”.  Do not get me wrong, I sincerely appreciate these sentiments. Sadly my silence does not give you a large enough scope to allow you to prescribe a remedy. (Prayer is always appropriate, but is it enough).

An emotion I experience quite often is rage. I am angry. And even angrier that I cannot speak as I please. I am angry that some decisions about my life were made void of my presence or opinion. I am angry that my temper and reactions to being taunted and abused were used to guilt trip me into submission to suffer more, and sometimes even more aggressive abuse. It upsets me greatly that, more so as a woman, you must find ways to mask your pain and still miraculously show up. The horror in discovering that women are woman’s greatest oppressor. From vague disrespect to out right cruelty. A generation of inhumane social predators.

Not all my experiences were cultivated by another person or people, some of it was beyond human control. It however does not take away from my failure to comprehend the active and purposed participation of humans in destabilising anothers entire existence. Obviously no one has the power or capacity to achieve this, but they will at least try. With a need to feel superior or greater than, humans who are made of weak moral fibre and poor self actualization will do just about anything to “thrive”. Sometimes sadly, the people closest to you will embark on this damaging assignment, leaving not only you and loved ones empty, but themselves entirely worn. When this occurs the most likely turn is that of ambition to bitterness, causing for more evils to stir.

Someone said to me recently that I refuse to accept that there is very little good in some people. This then poses as a problem in accepting my circumstances which are conditoned by such persons. Maybe this is why I fail to speak. I fail to speak because I am yet to process. I fear being ridiculed for premature outlandish vocalisations of my truth. I fear my decisions to protect myself may not be seen as “normal” enough to be found acceptable.
I have said enough in writing this to trust that my voice has not been consumed and one day I will speak. It’s funny how I always urge others to speak. Not only speak, but seek help and support. To value themselves and the one life they get to live. To love themselves fiercely. I ask them to come to be and never fear judgment. I ask God to make things right. To elevate them from the confines of confusion and hurt. But I couldn’t do this for myself.

I am not ashamed of my scars or my fresh woulds which are salted on occasion. I am simply enslaved by the fear of exposing what lays beneath these bandages in case I fail to recover. I love myself enough to have started the process off removing things and people who do not serve me well. I simply don’t know how one learns to ‘unlove’ in learning to better love themselves.

I will write about learning to forgive myself another time. What a necessary process. My apologies again to the reader whom I did not satisfy by leaving out all the tantalising details. Maybe over a cup of coffee 

 

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Uncategorized

Chris Zola Dube – Asaman 

Asaman meets with Chris Zola Dube. 27 year old IT Network Engineer and businessman. He shares his story 

 


Tell us a little bit about your childhood

I grew up in Joburg, having lost both my parents at a very young age,  I was thrown in this Independence thing at a very early stage of my life. My father passed away in a car accident when I was doing 5th grade, at that stage I had no male role model to look up to in my life. We were not really close, so it was easy for me to get over it. My mother had to play both roles and in 2003 she passed on from pneumonia and at that moment I never thought I will be where I am now. Because of the friends and family that God blessed me with, I am where I am because of their support.

Which men influenced you the most growing up and how so? 

As I mentioned earlier, I never really had a male role model in my teen years up until I met a family friend uncle who acquired his millions in his early 20’s. I aspired to be like him in every way, the only problem was that his ways around women were not something to look up to and his spiritual life was also not uplifting to anyone, but at that young stage of my life that didn’t matter, all I wanted was to be a successful young man at whatever cost. I started attending church at TESDA (Tshwane East SDA), there I met a lot of successful family men, the likes of Adv Mkhize, Mr Digkole etc, they showed me that you can be successful in your career and still hold the spiritual values and family values without compromising the image of a real man.

Do you think that in society today we have men who stand as good examples? 

Definitely, the only problem is that this world is full of so much evil, all we hear about is rape, women abuse, child abuse, murder, corruption, Nkandla…we wake up to this kind of news on a daily basis and the goodness of men is over shadowed by the ones who are just males rather than men. 

What do you do professionally and was it your ideal?

LOL… I ask myself that question every morning when I step inside the office. I have a lot of job titles in my organisation, I am a Project Manager, Technical Manager and a Senior Network Engineer (IT). I have also started a little business on the side, after realizing that you wake up every morning to make someone millions and millions of Rands while he is in bed, you come to appreciate the art of hard working and starting your own thing, not to be limited by a monthly pay check. So you can say I am the above mentioned and a business man.

Do you believe ones contentment in the workplace translates to the rest of their lives? And how so? 

I believe one should never be never content in their work space, that limits the ability for growth, you can be content as a CEO or COO of a organisation, but not anything lower, after a while you tend to start complaining about things you cant change in a work place and then you start being content about those thing and end up being miserable and the you translate all of that to your household which will have significant implications in your home. 

Do you wish to be a father some day and what would you ideally teach your children to better them as the next generation? 

I do wish to start a family one day and be a parent. One thing I would teach my children is that they should never be victims of their circumstances, every circumstance should build them to be better people. One of the biggest problems about black people is South Africa is that 20 years after democracy, they are still playing victim of apartheid, once you get a mindset of entitlement YOU WILL NEVER get up and find something that will work for you

What is the one thing you wished someone had taught you that you had to learn through making a mistake? 

That love isnt what it seems in the movies..LOL

Do you believe the younger generation of men as is, is equip with enough to create a healthy community of men? 

Yes, not all hope is lost. Once a young man grows up knowing the Lord, all principles and values of creating a healthy community will fall into place without him being taught by any other man, God reveals more that you can imagine.

As a modern man,what are your thoughts on appearance and how does your personal style influence your confidence ? 

The idea of appearance versus reality is seen in everyday life; including relationships, religion, and school studies. The concept makes me feel oblivious to the world and all the knowledge it contains. I don’t completely agree with knowledge coming from experience, for I believe that the possibility of innate knowledge exists. Appearance versus reality opens the mind to considering how things we see is not really as they seem. For example, the term “love blind” used in everyday life can be incorporated in this situation. The person one is in love with seems flawless because he/she is everything one thinks they want, but in reality, that might not be the case. We see the tip of the iceberg, but not everything about it. The first thing that you must do to improve confidence in your appearance is let go of self-doubt. Stop your negative thoughts about being too fat or not handsome enough. Then, if you’re receiving negative feedback from others, make sure you stop listening to it. The only way to gain self-confidence is to feel confident about yourself as you are. 


I am thankful that people like Chris exist, and even more grateful that he exists in my space. Self pity is such common practice and here’s a man who defied the norm, has risen above tragedy and circumstance whilst maintaining and sharing a demeanor of calm and kindness. Asaman takes great pleasure in engaging with men of chatacter. 

  Your destiny is to fulfill those things upon which you focus most intently. So choose to keep your focus on that which is truly magnificent, beautiful, uplifting and joyful. Your life is always moving towards something 

Photography by Aaron & Hur  

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Uncategorized

Karabo Moeketsi – Asaman 

Asaman sits down with 29 year old Karabo Moeketsi. He forms 1/5 of the popular South African fusion band The Muffinz. 

  
What did you aspire to be growing up? 

I wanted to be a musician and/or evangalist.

Who stood as a father or male figure in your life and do you feel their influence was positive? 

My uncle Mokwena. He did a great job. He taught me how to drive like a maniac and also how to run away from girls (hahaha, as if) 

Did moving to Johannesburg change your outlooks in anway, regarding how you approach life? 

Yes it did. Jozi is the fast paced life. Taught me how to think on my feet. It taught me that I need to be grounded in the world. This is also where I found my girl who is now about to be my on going partner. 

What so you do on a professional level? 

I am a professional singer and bass player. I am also the managing director for a technology company called Happaro. 

Are you happy with what you do or do you have different prospects now? 

I am happy. God has been faithful. The time to spread the 3rd angels message is soon approaching and I am getting ready. I can not wait to go home. 

I know you to be extremely religious. Have you ever been in a position where your beliefs conflicted with something you aspired to achieve? 

Well, I always make it very, very, very clear where I stand, and its either you take me and my beliefs or you don’t take me at all. God always does the rest. 

Religious practice is no longer common practice. Do you feel it should be revisited by young men, and why? 

Unfortunately or fortunately the time we are in is prophetic. These things must come to pass before Christ comes back. Our duty as God’s chosen people is to spread God’s word throughout the world.

Tell me about the ‘warrior races’ that you take part in, and briefly share your views on fitness and health

I like things 😂 Fitness races like the Jeep warrior do more than just test your fitness. It is about disciple, perseverance and heart. What do you give when you have nothing to give. Those disciples build your character in the everyday world. Plus its so much fun. I love the outdoor adventure and extreme sport life. It is refreshing! Decreases stress levels 300%. Healthy living is something that is found in the bible… When we are healthy we are happier; we save lots of money and we can better do the work of the Lord.
Karabo has shown immense interest in the Asaman campaign. His affiliation is not only appreciated but commended. Very few people are passionate about good causes. I will forever be in awe of his unapologetic and openly expressive religious stance. If only we were all so definite in our choices…  

  ‘I am a perfectionist who is not a perfectionist; I am very relaxed but I believe there is a time for everything. No one said I cant have fun while doing it. I take everything I do seriously and put my all into it.’ – Karabo 

Photography by Aaron & Hur  

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